Well, it's that time of year yet again. Children laugh and play, singing songs as they circle around the Thanksgiving Bush. The mantle is loaded with inscribed stockings, their owners hopeful that Turkey Claus will fill them with deviled eggs and tins of jellied cranberry sauce. The Harvest Wreath, made from all of the leftover canned fried onions for the green bean casserole, hangs festively upon the front door. Most important of all, though, is the feast. The glorious, magical serving of store-bought salads, day-old breads, and meats cooked way past their prime by confused, elderly matrons. I am in a giving mood this holiday season, so I wish to share with one and all some recipes from my exclusive collection. All of these dishes are guaranteed to make a lasting impression upon all who taste them. Enjoy!*Dill and Garlic Brined Roasted Turkey
ingredients:
1 12-20lb. supermarket turkey (defrosted)
20 jars of your favorite kosher pickles
1 cup of garlic powder
Three days before the big day, place your turkey in something big enough to comfortably hold it (a trash bag or bathtub will do nicely). Remove all of the pickles from the jars and set aside. Take the pickle juice from all of the jars and pour it into the container holding the turkey. If the bird is not completely covered, fill the container with water, broth, milk, or any other liquid you find tasty. Let the bird sit in the brine for 24 hours.
After that period is up, move your turkey back into the freezer and make sure it is good and frozen. Don't bother to cover it, because the added ice crystals will add moistness and juiciness to the bird when it roasts. When it is frozen solid, preheat your oven to 170 degrees F. Place your bird in a big roasting pan, and stuff the turkey with the leftover pickles. Take your garlic powder and liberally coat the turkey (if you don't have garlic powder, you can use garlic salt. Just remember that garlic salt has half as much garlic, so you need to use 2 cups of garlic salt).
Now here's the tricky part, the part the "cooking experts" will say is foolhardy. The best way to tell when the turkey is done is when the pickles catch on fire. You must watch it carefully, so you'll have to open the oven door about once every 3-4 minutes to check on it. After the dills start to incinerate, quickly remove the turkey and get it on a serving platter. Serve immediately, and bask in the praise of your culinary prowess.
1 12-20lb. supermarket turkey (defrosted)
20 jars of your favorite kosher pickles
1 cup of garlic powder
Three days before the big day, place your turkey in something big enough to comfortably hold it (a trash bag or bathtub will do nicely). Remove all of the pickles from the jars and set aside. Take the pickle juice from all of the jars and pour it into the container holding the turkey. If the bird is not completely covered, fill the container with water, broth, milk, or any other liquid you find tasty. Let the bird sit in the brine for 24 hours.
After that period is up, move your turkey back into the freezer and make sure it is good and frozen. Don't bother to cover it, because the added ice crystals will add moistness and juiciness to the bird when it roasts. When it is frozen solid, preheat your oven to 170 degrees F. Place your bird in a big roasting pan, and stuff the turkey with the leftover pickles. Take your garlic powder and liberally coat the turkey (if you don't have garlic powder, you can use garlic salt. Just remember that garlic salt has half as much garlic, so you need to use 2 cups of garlic salt).
Now here's the tricky part, the part the "cooking experts" will say is foolhardy. The best way to tell when the turkey is done is when the pickles catch on fire. You must watch it carefully, so you'll have to open the oven door about once every 3-4 minutes to check on it. After the dills start to incinerate, quickly remove the turkey and get it on a serving platter. Serve immediately, and bask in the praise of your culinary prowess.
Chopped Garden Salad
ingredients:
1 head of iceberg lettuce
1 tomato
1 medium onion
1 green bell pepper
1 carrot
1 jar or bottle of your favorite salad dressing
Take all ingredients except for the dressing and place in a blender. Puree until smooth. Transfer into a medium saucepot and cook over medium-high heat until just boiling. Spoon the salad into serving bowls and top each serving with a tablespoon of dressing. Serve immediately while hot. (Serves 4-5 people)
Mashed Potatoes with Truffles and White Sauce
ingredients:
3 lbs. of frozen french fries
hot water
1 8 oz. package of Harry and David truffles
1 jar of mayonnaise
Bake the french fries according to package directions. When cooked, dump them into a large mixing bowl. Slowly add hot water and pound the french fries with your fist until the desired consistency is reached (this is a great job for the kids!). Serve in indivdual portions onto each diner's plate. Add a single truffle in the middle of each serving of potatoes (I think dark chocolate truffles work best, but go with whatever you like). Apply a dollop of mayo to the top of each truffle and serve hot. (Serves 8-10 people)
3 lbs. of frozen french fries
hot water
1 8 oz. package of Harry and David truffles
1 jar of mayonnaise
Bake the french fries according to package directions. When cooked, dump them into a large mixing bowl. Slowly add hot water and pound the french fries with your fist until the desired consistency is reached (this is a great job for the kids!). Serve in indivdual portions onto each diner's plate. Add a single truffle in the middle of each serving of potatoes (I think dark chocolate truffles work best, but go with whatever you like). Apply a dollop of mayo to the top of each truffle and serve hot. (Serves 8-10 people)
Hot Apple Pie
ingredients:
1 ready-to-fill graham cracker crust
1 jar of applesauce
Pour the applesauce into the crust. Place the pie in the microwave and cook on the highest setting for 8 minutes. Serve with ice cream. (Serves 8-10 people).
I hope these recipes will make your Thanksgiving an event your family will remember for many years. Happy Turkey Day, everyone!
* if consumption of the foodstuffs created by these recipes results in sickness or death, it's because you prepared them wrong, you idiot. Besides, you got them off the fucking internet. What did you really expect?
1 ready-to-fill graham cracker crust
1 jar of applesauce
Pour the applesauce into the crust. Place the pie in the microwave and cook on the highest setting for 8 minutes. Serve with ice cream. (Serves 8-10 people).
I hope these recipes will make your Thanksgiving an event your family will remember for many years. Happy Turkey Day, everyone!
* if consumption of the foodstuffs created by these recipes results in sickness or death, it's because you prepared them wrong, you idiot. Besides, you got them off the fucking internet. What did you really expect?
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