Monday, November 24, 2008

Delicious Thanksgiving Recipes

Well, it's that time of year yet again. Children laugh and play, singing songs as they circle around the Thanksgiving Bush. The mantle is loaded with inscribed stockings, their owners hopeful that Turkey Claus will fill them with deviled eggs and tins of jellied cranberry sauce. The Harvest Wreath, made from all of the leftover canned fried onions for the green bean casserole, hangs festively upon the front door. Most important of all, though, is the feast. The glorious, magical serving of store-bought salads, day-old breads, and meats cooked way past their prime by confused, elderly matrons. I am in a giving mood this holiday season, so I wish to share with one and all some recipes from my exclusive collection. All of these dishes are guaranteed to make a lasting impression upon all who taste them. Enjoy!*

Dill and Garlic Brined Roasted Turkey

1 12-20lb. supermarket turkey (defrosted)
20 jars of your favorite kosher pickles
1 cup of garlic powder

Three days before the big day, place your turkey in something big enough to comfortably hold it (a trash bag or bathtub will do nicely). Remove all of the pickles from the jars and set aside. Take the pickle juice from all of the jars and pour it into the container holding the turkey. If the bird is not completely covered, fill the container with water, broth, milk, or any other liquid you find tasty. Let the bird sit in the brine for 24 hours.

After that period is up, move your turkey back into the freezer and make sure it is good and frozen. Don't bother to cover it, because the added ice crystals will add moistness and juiciness to the bird when it roasts. When it is frozen solid, preheat your oven to 170 degrees F. Place your bird in a big roasting pan, and stuff the turkey with the leftover pickles. Take your garlic powder and liberally coat the turkey (if you don't have garlic powder, you can use garlic salt. Just remember that garlic salt has half as much garlic, so you need to use 2 cups of garlic salt).

Now here's the tricky part, the part the "cooking experts" will say is foolhardy. The best way to tell when the turkey is done is when the pickles catch on fire. You must watch it carefully, so you'll have to open the oven door about once every 3-4 minutes to check on it. After the dills start to incinerate, quickly remove the turkey and get it on a serving platter. Serve immediately, and bask in the praise of your culinary prowess.

Chopped Garden Salad

1 head of iceberg lettuce
1 tomato
1 medium onion
1 green bell pepper
1 carrot
1 jar or bottle of your favorite salad dressing

Take all ingredients except for the dressing and place in a blender. Puree until smooth. Transfer into a medium saucepot and cook over medium-high heat until just boiling. Spoon the salad into serving bowls and top each serving with a tablespoon of dressing. Serve immediately while hot. (Serves 4-5 people)

Mashed Potatoes with Truffles and White Sauce

3 lbs. of frozen french fries
hot water
1 8 oz. package of Harry and David truffles
1 jar of mayonnaise

Bake the french fries according to package directions. When cooked, dump them into a large mixing bowl. Slowly add hot water and pound the french fries with your fist until the desired consistency is reached (this is a great job for the kids!). Serve in indivdual portions onto each diner's plate. Add a single truffle in the middle of each serving of potatoes (I think dark chocolate truffles work best, but go with whatever you like). Apply a dollop of mayo to the top of each truffle and serve hot. (Serves 8-10 people)

Hot Apple Pie

1 ready-to-fill graham cracker crust
1 jar of applesauce

Pour the applesauce into the crust. Place the pie in the microwave and cook on the highest setting for 8 minutes. Serve with ice cream. (Serves 8-10 people).

I hope these recipes will make your Thanksgiving an event your family will remember for many years. Happy Turkey Day, everyone!

* if consumption of the foodstuffs created by these recipes results in sickness or death, it's because you prepared them wrong, you idiot. Besides, you got them off the fucking internet. What did you really expect?

Friday, October 31, 2008

The 2008-09 NBA Predictions of Correctitude

"Opinions are like assholes, because everyone has one," goes the old saying. With that in mind, I figured I would come back from my extended layoff at the Porcelain Bowl (there's a constipation joke in there somewhere) with a preview of the recently started 2008-09 NBA season. Yes, I know these things are a dime a dozen, but mine is different. The reason mine is better is because it will all come true. After reading this brilliant article, make it your desktop wallpaper. Then, take your computer monitor down to Las Vegas, plop that sucker down at the sports book, point to it, and tell the book employee, "I want to bet my life savings on all of this shit right here."

I will list each team in their correct order of finish at the end of the regular season, and we'll start in the Eastern Conference:

1. Charlotte Bobcats (Predicted final record: 75-7, Southeast Champions): This collection of college basketball all-stars will magically gel into a great team spurred by daily viewings of Hoosiers and a rabid home crowd that is mostly pissed off that Sean May eats all of the concessions in the stadium prior to every game.

2. New York Knicks (55-27, Atlantic Champions): The Knicks will end the season on a 30 game winning streak after coach Mike D'Antoni realizes that Stephon Marbury is some kind of Freudian Hockey Goalie that can just stand in front of their basket for 48 minutes and swat away nearly every opposition shot using nothing but his inflated ego.

3. Houston Rockets (48-34, Central Champions): Tired of fighting with the super-tough Southwest division, the Rockets organization decides to move back into the Eastern Conference Central division they started in over thirty years ago and create their own schedule, catching many opposing teams by surprise as they show up for games completely unannounced. A good team, but most of their wins will come by forfeit.

4. Cleveland Zoom LeBron VI (47-35): Desperate to keep their megastar player happy, Cleveland initially renames their team the Cleveland Yankee Cowboys before settling on naming themselves after his shoe line. The Zoom LeBron VIers point guards will create a wildly successful morning radio show called "Mo, Snow, and Boobie".

5. Chicago Bulls (47-35): The Bulls flounder out of the gate, so management decides to drag the statue of Michael Jordan into the stadium to drum up some enthusiasm. The statue goes on to lead the team in scoring and is third in rebounding and blocked shots. To be fair, the monument gets a lot of points that should be credited to other players, but the stadium announcer would rather yell "Michal Jordan's Statue!" than "Thabo Sefolosha!"

6. Washlando Warlocks (43-39): After years of squabbling over who should have rights to the prestidigitation-themed nickname, the Washington Wizards and Orlando Magic declare a truce and merge into a a single entity. Their season is going well until Dwight Howard sustains a season-ending head injury caused by smacking it into the ceiling of the Lance Burton Arena during a rebound attempt.

7. Boston Celtics (41-41): Due to a mix-up at the jewelers, Kevin Garnett receives a Green Lantern power ring during the opening game 2008 championship ceremony. Believing he has been called to a higher purpose, Garnett flies off into the stars, looking for outer space crime to fight. Several of the younger Celtics hurt themselves jumping off of buildings in an attempt to fly using their title rings, causing the older team members to wear down over the course of the season.

8. Miami Heat (40-42): A strong start to the season is short-circuited by a South Florida drug cartel, who declare Miami Arena to be a part of their "territory". The Heat are forced to play the last half of the season on one long road trip, wearing makeshift uniforms that feature their names and numbers written in permanent marker.

9. Toronto Disco Fries (39-43): The Toronto organization dumps the outdated Jurassic Park nickname in favor of one that is a bit more Canadian. In an attempt to have the new name stick, the players are forced to eat nothing but poutine for two months, causing the young Disco Fries to become the fattest NBA team in history. The "That's no Jamario Moon, that's a space station" flash animation goes viral and becomes the hot online meme of early 2009.

10. Indiana Pacers (33-49): The Pacers have become so nondescript, that they literally vanish into thin air during a game in late January. Teams are ordered to keep showing up to play them as David Stern hopes they reappear at some point. They never do, leading to incredibly lopsided losses in which the opponent regularly breaks 400 points.

11. Manhattan Nets (30-52): Tired of waiting on Brooklyn to get their act together, the Nets move to Harlem and start playing their home games in Rucker Park. Vince Carter is forced to retire from basketball after getting mercilessly and constantly mocked by the Rucker crowd for calling "foul!" every time he drives the lane. The Nets lose several games to "playground legends" posing as NBA teams.

12. Milwaukee Bucks (29-53): A bad start is compounded by a management decision to dress the team in deer costumes during games in a bizarre attempt to increase attendance. The players have extreme difficulty dribbling and shooting with their fuzzy hoof-hands, and several of them are shot by confused hunters during games.

13. Philadelphia 76ers (25-57): Realizing that Philly-area fans are good to go for another 25 years after the Phillies recent World Series win, the 76ers essentially take the season off, figuring no one would notice. They're right.

14. Atlanta Hawks (20-62): The Hawks take their ninth consecutive season off, figuring no one would notice. They're also right.

15. Kyoto Nintendo Powers (5-77): The cash-strapped Detroit Pistons are forced to sell their operation to the video game giant a couple of weeks into the season. The company promptly fires all of the players and coaches, and replaces them with cheap, efficient Japanese workers. They get obliterated in every game from that point, ending the season on a record 74 game losing streak, and even managing to get shut out in a couple of contests.

And now, here's the Western Conference:

1. Los Angeles Laklippers (161-3, Pacific Champions): Since they play in the same building and city as the defending Western Conference champions, the Clippers convince the NBA to merge the two teams, much to the chagrin of the Lakers. Starting every game with 10 players on the floor and 14 more on the bench (not to mention 1.5 head coaches), the Laklippers cruise to wins in every game except the ones they were scheduled to play each other.

2. Phoenix Suns (60-22): The old players in Arizona ask management to mortgage their future and trade for the Alaskan-born young up-and-comer Carlos Boozer, yet they still finish in second place.

3. Minnesota Timberwolves (56-26, Northwest Champions): Bowing to local pressure, the T-Wolves begin playing all of their home games on a sheet of ice. It turns out to be a successful move, as 6'10" Al Jefferson shows to be surprisingly nimble on ice skates, averaging 22 points, 12 rebounds, and 3.6 penalty minutes per game.

4. Dallas L01l3rz (56-26, Southwest Champions): Forced to change their nickname after the 2008 election permanently ruined the word "maverick", the team hosts an open renaming contest online, promising to use the winner. Shackled with their crappy new name, the team plays the entire season with an enormous chip on their shoulder, with most of their games ending in massive, bloody brawls.

5. Portland Trail Blazers (52-30): Portland fans, accustomed to players that are constantly in trouble with the law, grow bored with this young, talented team of nice guys. Attendance begins to sag until displaced Seattle fans adopt the squad, creating a wild, raucous home court advantage. Nightly sights at the Rose Garden include burning effigies of Clay Bennett and David Stern.

6. Utah Jazz (47-35): The state government of Utah essentially cost the Jazz a chance at a division title by passing a law forbidding them to play on Sunday, causing them to forfeit over a dozen games. The team counteracts it by running out a lineup of Kyle Korver, Andrei Kirilenko, Matt Harpring, Mehmet Okur, and Kost Koufos, blinding opponents with their collective whiteness.

7. San Antonio Spurs (45-37): The Spurs run into trouble early in the season as several of their players begin showing the early stages of Alzheimer's disease, causing the team to be short-handed on many occasions as players forget to show up for games. The team manages to convince the NBA to start their games in the mid-afternoon so their players won't miss the early dinner specials at Denny's. That contributes to some wins as most players on younger teams don't even wake up before three in the afternoon.

8. Golden State Warriors (44-38): The team's fortunes dramatically turn for the better after mopeds are banned in Alameda County. The team's fortunes dramatically turn for the worse after it occurs to Stephen Jackson that he is the team's best player.

9. New Orleans Hornets (42-40): The Hornets start out well until someone reminds them that as long as George Shinn is their owner, they are doomed to fail no matter how hard they try. Karma is a real bitch, George.

10. Sacramento Kings (39-43): Embarrassed by the lack of fans willing to pay a hundred bucks a game to watch a group of nobodies get blown out every night, the Maloofs begin letting livestock into the second deck to fill out the seats. The methane buildup causes an explosion that removes the roof of the ARCO Arena. Despite the fresh air, opponents still have problems dealing with the awful smell, leading to easy home wins for the Kings during the second half of the season.

11. Memphis Gay Mayo (24-58): Realizing there isn't a wild grizzly bear within 1000 miles of Memphis, the team renames itself after its two young stars, hoping to keep them in town longer than two years. Thousands of homosexual men and women adopt the team as their favorite and move to Tennessee, spawning a new form of music: Pink Blues.

12. Oklahoma City Thunder (11-71): The young team struggles to win even eleven games, but they do manage to set an unofficial NBA record for shattered backboards. Unfortunately, it doesn't come from exciting Thunderous dunks like Shaq and Darryl Dawkins used to provide. It is caused instead by the team's collectively atrocious shooting.

13. Denver Nuggets (3-79): The Nuggets roster, a.k.a. The Most-Heavily Tattooed Collection of People Ever Assembled Anywhere, gets ravaged by a widespread herpes breakout. The organization has to fill in with a group of raw players straight out of the D-League. The results are disastrous, as the Nuggets only manage to win their two games against Kyoto, plus one in a series split versus the M.I.A. Pacers.

Here's how the playoffs will shake out:
First Round
East: Charlotte over Miami as several Heat players go missing after they cover the spread in game one. New York over Boston in a five game series that features 83 total points. Houston over Washlando as Ron Artest literally kills two opposing players on-court during the series. Cleveland over Chicago, featuring LeBron James averaging a triple-double while wearing a vintage Jordan-era Bulls baseball cap.

West: Los Angeles over Golden State, rebounding from an early series deficit after Kobe Bryant locks the Clippers in their dressing room before game three and refuses to let them out. Minnesota over San Antonio, during which Manu Ginobili is severely beaten by Minnesota fans who have grown tired of his soccer-style flopping. Dallas over Utah after Tay Zonday badly performs the national anthem before game one, spurring the L01l3rz into a frenzy of anger that leads to an easy series sweep. Portland over Phoenix, because it's time for a change.

Second Round
East: Charlotte over Cleveland, despite LeBron James averaging a triple-double while wearing a vintage Jordan-era UNC Tar Heels baseball cap. Houston over New York as Artest solves the Marbury defense by kicking him repeatedly in the balls.

West: Portland over Los Angeles as the Clippers influence is too much to overcome. Dallas over Minnesota as the team recruits Mike Modano to teach the team how to ice skate, causing twice as much sadness for old-school Minnesota sports fans.

Conference Championships
East: Houston over Charlotte, as the Bobcats can't recover from the Artest tactic of burning the city of Charlotte to the ground.

West: Dallas over Portland easily, motivated by their hatred of Blazers owner Paul Allen, who they hold partially responsible for their stupid new nickname.

NBA Finals
In the heart of Texas, a German power forward outduels a Chinese center. The Rockets come close after Ron Artest somehow acquires a nuclear device and threatens to start World War 3, but the L01l3rz are too skilled to overcome, taking the series in six games.

The NBA Champions: The Dallas L01l3rz

There you go. The most accurate NBA prediction you will read this year. You're welcome.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

No Head, Just Shoulders (TV Ads Part 2)

From the country that brought you recent geography nonsense such as Wasilla, Alaska being close to Russia and citizens panicking over the state of Georgia being invaded comes this poorly fact-checked advertisement from Procter and Gamble, selling their medicated hair goop Head and Shoulders.

We'll see how long this thing lasts on the air, but for now, you can only find it on their website. On the bottom of the home page, click on "Commercials and Quotes", and look for the picture matching the genius in the picture leading this post (minus the can of borscht).

If you don't feel like going through all of that bullshit just to watch a crappy commercial, I don't blame you. So, I'll spoil the stupidity here: The point of the ad is he is trying to be smart, and the first supposedly intelligent thing he utters is that Russia is the capital of Moscow. No, it's not intentional, nor done to be funny. It's bad enough these TV ads are becoming markedly and noticeably stupider every day, but its starting to become an "Idiocracy"-level of "Who gives a fuck". Thanks for the affirmation, Procter and Gamble.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

How To Get Rich Playing Slots

If you have played a slot machine, congratulations on your wealth! Isn't it great to be flush with cash, all from a simple press of a button?

Wait, what?

What do you mean you never win at slots? Are you kidding me? I have personally won over 453 million dollars just by playing slots like the expert that I am. Apparently, I need to show you my techniques on how to effectively play, and I am just going to give the information away! Free! Why would I do that? Because your minor pittance would barely build an ottoman for my cat's recliner, which is made from stacks of $100 bills. Just absorb this golden knowledge, and go apply it at your local casino for instant and consistent riches!

1. Picking the casino: This one is pretty straightforward. Since all modern machines pay out in printed tickets, it stands to reason that your funds are tracked electronically, similar to a bank. Therefore, the more machines there are in the building, the more money that will be available for you to win! Pick the place with the most slot machines, to maximize the total cash you will be taking home.

2. Finding your first machine: Okay, you'll need to find a machine in the high-limit area that are $100 or $500 per credit. Start putting money in these and play max credits until you win. It won't take more than three or four spins, because nobody ever plays the super-high level slots, so the machines are anxious to pay somebody off just to prove to other potential players that it is a good game. Once you reach at least $25,000, stop and print your ticket out. Don't cash it in yet! We have plans for that bad boy!

3. Striking it rich: Now, find a machine with a big, fat seven or eight figure progressive jackpot. It doesn't matter if it's quarters or dollars, just as long as you can play the max credits on the slot to qualify for the big money jackpot. Put in your $25k ticket, and spin until you win! You cannot possibly lose, so keep at it until you hit the jackpot. How do I know this? It's simple math! These machines have three reels, each with 20 symbols. That means there are 8000 possible spin combinations. Logically, you only need to spin the reels up to 8000 times, and you are guaranteed to win that huge jackpot! It's just that easy!

4. I'm fucking set for life! Thanks, Quag! Now what? You're welcome. Now, because you have a lot of cash, you can go around to all of the other progressive machines in the casino and collect their jackpots, as well. The casino will love all of the publicity your winning will generate! As long as you have the time and desire to sit through up to 8000 spins, you can be an unstoppable cash-earning superstar!

That's it. It seems so obvious and simple, I know. But the best plans usually are. Now get out there and strike it rich!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

My Sanity Has Been Targeted

Sorry for the delay, everyone. I have been busy with a few other writing projects, and have neglected the blog. Of course, this is supposed to be a space for creative thoughts, and I can go weeks without having one, so maybe the off-time was to be expected. In any case...


Okay, maybe I should elaborate a bit. I don't dislike the idea of commercials to support television programming. It is a necessary evil unless I want my satellite television bill to quintuple. What I am specifically referring to is how immensely idiotic television commercials have become. They are, on the whole, a witless conglomeration suitable only for boosting N-P-K levels in your garden soil. Some companies manage to fall below even this basement standard to make 30-second spots so astoundingly bad, you begin to question the very meaning of existence. With the thought that this may be a running gag within this blog, let's call this the first installment of my inevitably never-ending quest to reveal the bottom of the barrel in TV commercials.

Our first target is, well, TARGET. To be fair, the giant retailer's ads aren't quite as heinous as some other companies that will be reviewed in the future. However, the music they are using is driving me batshit insane.

The reason blood is currently dripping from my nose.

I guess this group is something called the Jonas Brothers. I vaguely remember seeing them advertised during Spongebob Squarepants, but I don't care enough to look it up. Target actually has a series of these "Hello Goodbye" ads running with different versions of the song. Well, different in that the music is changed. What doesn't change is the ritualistic bludgeoning of the "Hello Goodbye" message over and over and fucking over again right into your goddamn skull. Yes, Target, I get it. It's a play on the word "buy". We all get it. Fucking stop it. We know your company is rich, and that you can somehow run 37 half-minute advertisements during Jeopardy. I thought I would be safe from the sniveling, never-were "rock" band watching the "smartest game show on television", but I was really, really incorrect on that matter. Hearing those whiny fucks drilled into my brain makes me want to buy a shotgun and eat a couple of shells.

But I'm getting it at Wal-Mart, they have better prices.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

You're On The Lifeboat With Me, Buddy


Have you ever seen something that just sticks in your mind for no real reason? Not necessarily something shocking, or grotesque...

You know what, scratch that. It was a little shocking and grotesque.

I had to hit the grocery store after work last night because I was too tied-up with extremely important events (live fantasy football draft) to bother with it over the weekend. Like most people shopping after a day at work, I just wanted to fly through my list and get the hell home as fast as possible. I was rolling my cart around (after nearly destroying the thing attempting to kick a green bean out of one of the back wheels) and concentrating on accumulating the items on my list. My head was down, because I didn't want to make eye-contact with anyone on the off-chance I actually encountered someone I would be willing to talk to.

That's when I saw it.

A man with the biggest legs I have even seen.

I don't know why he decided to wear shorts to show those things off to the world. My best guess is that there aren't pants made anywhere that he could get into. He was wearing sneakers, and then his legs just...started. I'm not sure I have the vocabulary to accurately describe this sight. There was no discernible calf muscles. It looked like someone succeeded in stuffing the bottom of a couple of barrels into athletic shoes. If it had been around noon, his feet would have been completely shaded by his lower legs.

I have no idea how this obese man was even walking. I'm sure it was painful, because both legs had significant bruising, almost like he was wearing purple and black socks
. It was weirdly fascinating to me, seeing those hairless meat sacks draped over those overburdened discount tennis shoes. I kept imagining the various things they could possibly resemble: Hot dogs with pushpins stuck into the ends. Giant pythons trying to get into soda cans. Me trying to flush one of my post-Vegas-trip dumps into an elementary-school toilet.

Honestly, it wasn't really that funny to me. It was just seeing something I never would have even imagined. The guy eventually waddled off to (hopefully) the pharmacy or (more likely) the candy aisle, and I was free of the hypnotic spell of the fat legs, once again back at the task of finishing off my shopping list.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Hey Circuit City: What The Fuck?

I don't give a shit about the environment. I don't go out of my way to bury drums of charcoal ash in city parks or anything like that, but I really don't care if we kill off our environment or not. When I hear people saying that we're destroying the planet, I cringe a bit. The human race (thankfully) does not have the ability to destroy this planet or any other. What we are doing is fucking up our living quarters bad enough to make them uninhabitable. We are shitting in our food dish, so to speak. For me personally, well, fuck it. We created all of the environmental issues ourselves, and our slow mass suicide either happens or it doesn't. Whatever.

That diatribe being said, I have to wonder what the fuck is going on at Circuit City. For those who are not aware of this chain, they sell electronics and games and all of that other shit you think you need but really don't. It's just like Best Buy, except red. Well, that, and THIS:

Okay, what the holy hell is going on here? They have been doing this for years, and I have never understood it. Seriously, there must be an entire aspen tree's worth of wood in this receipt. Did I mention that the sale is for ONE FUCKING COMPACT DISC? No warranty and rebate here, my friends, because heaven help you if you buy something that has one or both of those. The Circuit City proof-of-purchase for that looks something like this:

I am shocked some wayward environmental group hasn't bitched about these things. Hell, how has an employee not bitched about these things? They must go through a roll every 40 minutes. Seriously, my thirteen dollar receipt has enough ink on it to paint nearly 2/5ths of a battleship. It's why all Circuit City stores are two stories tall. The top floor is nothing but storage for register printer ink. Oh well. I did at least find one good thing from all of this... or at least, one of my cats did:

Circuit City receipt paper is delicious! NOM NOM NOM

Friday, July 25, 2008

It's A Goddamn Pickle

Pickles are delicious, and while I'm not loyal to any one particular brand, Mount Olive is among my favorites. Still, I get the same thought in my head nearly every time I pop open the jar to retrieve a salty spear. A three-word phrase stamped on the lid, mocking me with its questionable authenticity, is the seed of that thought:

Refrigerate after opening

It is certainly not unique to Mount Olive, as I have seen it printed somewhere on the jar of every pickle brand on supermarket shelves. Claussen pickles are sold from a refrigerated case, so it makes some sense for them to be stored in the icebox. But's a damn pickle. The whole idea behind the cucumber pickle was that the preservation came from the vinegar and salt in the brine, and it didn't require additional help. Sailors in the sixteenth century would take pickles on long oversea voyages, and they sure as fuck didn't have refrigerators. What the hell did we do to the pickle to make it unsafe for dry shelf storage after opening the jar?

I've heard some people claim the pickle is crunchier after sitting in the chill chest. I don't buy that argument, since Koreans have been burying jars of kimchi for hundreds of years, and their pickled vegetables come out of the ground crunchy, even after months sitting around in the fucking dirt, without a fridge in sight. Still, it doesn't explain the wording: Refrigerate after opening. It's not a suggestion, it's a demand. As in, "You'll die of food poisoning if you don't stick this in the cold after exposing the pickles to the air."

Shit, maybe I should stop eating these things.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Thoughts During Squats

Think back to one of those times you fucked up really bad. No, not when you left the ice cream on the kitchen counter overnight, or when you locked your keys in your car. I'm talking about the big league shit: Getting caught in a bad lie or cheating on your theoretically significant other, committing a crime that warranted police involvement, or something of that magnitude. The point I am slowly reaching here is that, almost to a person, everyone who does something like that has the exact same thought: "I wish I had never done that." Of course, since genies only appear in Looney Tunes and porn movies, the wish is never granted.

Now take those times something minor has come along, attempting to ruin your day. Let's use the example of some asshole on a cellphone cutting you off on the road. Instead of yelling at the insensitive shithead, start creating a hypothetical situation in your head. Imagine yourself speeding up and ramming that jerk right off the road. Let the daydream carry out: You slide the fucker off the road and into a ravine. Their car explodes, and they are dead. Oh, shit! Now the cops are involved, and you're going to jail for a long while. Damn. Now you're thinking it. You know: "I wish I had never done that."

But wait! You have somehow traveled back in time to the exact moment you made the decision to kill that stupid driver, and you talk yourself out of it! Now, not only are you a time-bending magician, you have accomplished something all of those other sorry people could not. You "never did it". You will feel better about everything and suddenly your day will seem that much better.

It really will.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Lists For Dummies

The "for Dummies" series of books are omnipresent, nearly to a point where we will begin seeing "Shopping For Dummies" retail stores in shitty strip malls very soon. While it is hard to begrudge something that has produced tomes that have helped so many people in so many different topics, it is obvious that they have run out of legitimate subjects to help people with. Here is a list of actual titles in the series that will make you wish the government tracked sales of the books and posted the purchasers' names online for public record. You know, in case you finally wanted to get that Ponzi scheme up and running.

  1. HAPPINESS FOR DUMMIES: Are you a mopey, self-centered fuckknob without any understanding of how to involve yourself in society? Do you buy black clothing at Hot Topic to show the rest of the world what an individual you are and the unknowing pain you experience being the only 15-year-old boy in the history of the planet to get rejected by a girl? Do you sit in your apartment all day bitching in online chat rooms about how hard it is to get a job in "today's market" even though you haven't filled out an application in nearly two years, and the only response you get from your "internet friends" is sarcastic insouciance? Guess what? As long as you keep lying to yourself, this book won't do shit for you, either! That leaves your options as A) Go get professional help for your depression, or B) Shut the fuck up and leave the rest of the adults alone. Quit trying to drag us into your quagmire, you selfish twat.
  2. BREASTFEEDING FOR DUMMIES: Yes, that's right. There are mothers in this world that need instructions for doing what every goddamn stupid-ass mammal on the planet knows how to accomplish without reading a ridiculous $20 book. Congratulations, lady. Your maternal instincts have been outclassed by a fruit bat.
  3. GRIEVING FOR DUMMIES: Grief is a terrible experience, and unfortunately one nearly every person deals with at one time or another. I actually don't have a problem with the content being addressed. However, the book title is insensitive and bewildering. The varnish of crass commercialism coats the endeavor, and probably turns away people who could potentially benefit from something written within the guide.
  4. NASCAR FOR DUMMIES, 2ND EDITION (!): Speaking of crass commercialism, hey! It's NASCAR! Yes, I was as shocked as you were to find out this book was more than ten pages long and not written in crayon. At least there are coupons for Pabst beer and Slim Jims in the book. I would assume.
  5. HAIRCUTTING FOR DUMMIES: There is some definite comedy value lurking from the publishing of this guide. I would guess, though, that most people who hear their friend or loved one offer a free haircut while catching a glimpse of that book on a table nearby, would be moving away from that potential situation with celerity.
  6. KABBALAH FOR DUMMIES: Do you wish to be just like Madonna, but are having trouble getting Alex Rodriguez to sleep with you? Perhaps you are British, and unable to make your accent sound as phony and retarded as the long-past-her-prime Material Girl's. Well, you can pretend to believe in the same bullshit faith she professes to follow! Let this book be your guide to a half-assed spiritualism denounced by an overwhelming majority of faithful Jews! Come on, if the woman who starred in Shanghai Surprise can't get you into heaven, then who the fuck can?
  7. SUSHI FOR DUMMIES: In Japan, there are chefs who spend their entire lives learning how to cut fish and vegetables properly, how to cook perfect rice, and how to create tiny pieces of art with lessons from master chefs who are passing down techniques culled from multiple generations of study. In America, we don't have time for that shit. Get that bamboo mat, throw in some Uncle Ben's Wild Rice mixed with red wine vinegar (you know, because you want to put your personal spin on it), top the calamity off with canned tuna mixed with Miracle Whip, and roll that fucker up. Don't forget to hack it up good with your chef's knife you bought from the dollar store. Hey look! It's sushi!
  8. BLOGGING FOR DUMMIES, 2ND EDITION: You had to know this was coming, right? To be honest, I'm only bringing up this title in hopes of getting mentioned in the third edition of the book. The idea is that if the book I'm ragging on is using this blog as an example about itself to...something about a temporal vortex...ah, shit, I'm getting a headache.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Remembrance of Crap Past

Fast food chains get into creative ruts, like any other business. Usually when it happens, they'll reverse the toppings on an existing sandwich and call it a "Deluxe", or bring out some ghastly creation from the past and try to pass it off as new. Every now and again, though, the grease barns come up with something surprisingly novel and even somewhat delicious. Which, of course, means it inevitably gets pushed aside for another uninspired and stupid concept. Here is a list of some items I had a short infatuation with before Big Burger coldly ripped it away, never to be seen again:

1. Taco Bell's "Wild Sauce": Since I'm too lazy to look it up at the moment, I think this stuff appeared about 15 years ago, and Taco Bell was seemingly trying to shake an image that their food was bland. Their gift unto the public was this remarkable tomato-based sauce, which still stands as the only legitimately spicy-hot item they have ever served. Goddamn, it was tasty. That shit-in-a-packet they serve with your "Tex-Mex Inspired Creations" today doesn't even compare. Tacos made with Wild Sauce had to be served double-wrapped, because the nuclear red goodness would eat through the first layer of paper before you could even get the tray from the counter to the lushly-appointed dining room. My friends and I would ask for cups of the stuff so we could take it home and use it as chip dip, burger topping, or as a Bloody Mary mix. I am convinced that Taco Bell had to get rid of it because it killed weaker members of society daring to survive its awesomeness.

What they replaced it with: Those weak efforts in little packets, one of which they call "Fire" sauce. I don't think Fire sauce could make a fat man's hemorrhoid flare up, much less destroy the elderly.

2. Wendy's Pitas: Ten years ago, Wendy's unveiled a warm pita sandwich with fillings such as Garden Vegetable and Chicken Caesar. For a joint known mainly for square burgers and chili made from chopped-up square burgers, they were surprisingly good. At two bucks apiece (initially), they were even a decent deal. The Garden pita was easily the best vegetarian option ever offered by a major fast-food chain, light years ahead of the goddawful veggie burgers once sold by McDonald's and Burger King.

What they replaced it with: This thing:

The Frescata, a remarkable achievement made by Wendy's in making a deli sandwich that was worse nutritionally than their hamburgers and fries.

3. Long John Silver's Wraps: After the disaster that was Mr. Norman Bigfish in 1995, sales at Long John Silvers Fried Seafood Emporiums plummeted. The restaurant's regular clientèle was dying off, thanks mostly to their advanced age and partially to their large-scale consumption of awful breaded fish, and nobody new was coming in. The solution was ingeniously simple: Wraps, made with the customer's choice of fish, shrimp, or chicken, and a choice of five different sauces. They came with lettuce and the mysterious "crunch nuggets" that were the cherry on this sundae of deep-fried decadence. The large wrap was a bargain at three bucks, because it could easily feed two people. Alas, Long John Silvers could not sustain prosperity, as their employees were apparently incapable of quickly rolling up a damn burrito. Franchise owners bitched about the extra time the wraps took to prepare, the company ditched them, and people resumed not going to Long John Silvers.

What they replaced it with: I have no idea. Who cares.

4. McDonald's Arch Deluxe: Yes, seriously. For those who don't know or remember, The Arch Deluxe was McDonald's attempt at a "grown-up" burger. The toppings included pepper bacon and a new "secret sauce" that contained whole-grain mustard. The burger was served on a split-top potato-flour sesame roll they only used for this sandwich. Most people were too busy mocking McDonald's for the effort to notice that this thing actually tasted pretty damn good. It was a gutsy move by the Golden Arches that backfired due to incompetent advertising, a high price point relative to other McDonald's offerings, and a wild overestimation of the sophistication of their average customer. Some consumer groups had an issue with the caloric content of the sandwich, but A) it pales in comparison to some of the belt-dropping numbers of sandwiches currently offered at fast-food places, and B) nobody gives a fuck about dietary advice offered by consumer groups.

What they replaced it with: All sorts of retarded shit, most of which involved adding extra meat patties to existing products, including their milkshakes. There was also the brilliant McSalad Shaker, which came to pass when (apparently) someone important at Hamburger University thought that having a salad which fits in a car's cup holder was a great fucking idea. Hey, what motorist doesn't want to drink a salad while driving? At least the McLobster Roll never escaped the Northeast.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Dropping blogs in my porcelain bowl

First and foremost, thank you for reading this. This will likely be the most serious thing I write in this blog.

The great majority of what I put in this blog is intended to entertain you, although I'm sure I will occasionally utilize the forum to complain about trivial, personal events that only I care about. Feel free to ignore those posts, use them as an excuse to practice your amateur psychology, or to just point and laugh at my paranoid idiocy. Who am I to tell you how to think? There are a few points I would like to make about what will be forthcoming in Quagmar's Porcelain Bowl:
  • I write in English, and I try very hard to make sure everything is spelled correctly and that proper grammar is utilized. Unless I am being sarcastic or referencing something involving a captioned cat picture, this is a LOL-free zone. That applies to emoticons, too.
  • The reason this blog has an adult rating is because I like to use "bad" words. A lot. I don't smoke and I rarely drink, so I need to make up for it by cussing excessively. I am running clean on this introduction, but the epithets will flow afterwards.
  • There will be musings in here that will offend at least a few of you. Please consider the following sentence: "A dead baby rolled in broken beer bottles and hung up by its feet makes a fascinating disco ball." It's not a particularly funny line, but it was the best I could do in my current state of sleep deprivation. In any case, if that string of nonsense made you want to email me in an enraged tizzy, you probably shouldn't read any further.
  • I will do my best to keep up with this thing. I'm not going to force a set date upon entries, but there should be a new one at least once a week.
That's it. Once again, I appreciate your time, and hopefully I can encourage a laugh or two with my moronic rantings.