If you have played a slot machine, congratulations on your wealth! Isn't it great to be flush with cash, all from a simple press of a button?
What do you mean you never win at slots? Are you kidding me? I have personally won over 453 million dollars just by playing slots like the expert that I am. Apparently, I need to show you my techniques on how to effectively play, and I am just going to give the information away! Free! Why would I do that? Because your minor pittance would barely build an ottoman for my cat's recliner, which is made from stacks of $100 bills. Just absorb this golden knowledge, and go apply it at your local casino for instant and consistent riches!
1. Picking the casino: This one is pretty straightforward. Since all modern machines pay out in printed tickets, it stands to reason that your funds are tracked electronically, similar to a bank. Therefore, the more machines there are in the building, the more money that will be available for you to win! Pick the place with the most slot machines, to maximize the total cash you will be taking home.
2. Finding your first machine: Okay, you'll need to find a machine in the high-limit area that are $100 or $500 per credit. Start putting money in these and play max credits until you win. It won't take more than three or four spins, because nobody ever plays the super-high level slots, so the machines are anxious to pay somebody off just to prove to other potential players that it is a good game. Once you reach at least $25,000, stop and print your ticket out. Don't cash it in yet! We have plans for that bad boy!
3. Striking it rich: Now, find a machine with a big, fat seven or eight figure progressive jackpot. It doesn't matter if it's quarters or dollars, just as long as you can play the max credits on the slot to qualify for the big money jackpot. Put in your $25k ticket, and spin until you win! You cannot possibly lose, so keep at it until you hit the jackpot. How do I know this? It's simple math! These machines have three reels, each with 20 symbols. That means there are 8000 possible spin combinations. Logically, you only need to spin the reels up to 8000 times, and you are guaranteed to win that huge jackpot! It's just that easy!
4. I'm fucking set for life! Thanks, Quag! Now what? You're welcome. Now, because you have a lot of cash, you can go around to all of the other progressive machines in the casino and collect their jackpots, as well. The casino will love all of the publicity your winning will generate! As long as you have the time and desire to sit through up to 8000 spins, you can be an unstoppable cash-earning superstar!
That's it. It seems so obvious and simple, I know. But the best plans usually are. Now get out there and strike it rich!