Lists For Dummies

The "for Dummies" series of books are omnipresent, nearly to a point where we will begin seeing "Shopping For Dummies" retail stores in shitty strip malls very soon. While it is hard to begrudge something that has produced tomes that have helped so many people in so many different topics, it is obvious that they have run out of legitimate subjects to help people with. Here is a list of actual titles in the series that will make you wish the government tracked sales of the books and posted the purchasers' names online for public record. You know, in case you finally wanted to get that Ponzi scheme up and running.

1. HAPPINESS FOR DUMMIES: Are you a mopey, self-centered fuckknob without any understanding of how to involve yourself in society? Do you buy black clothing at Hot Topic to show the rest of the world what an individual you are and the unknowing pain you experience being the only 15-year-old boy in the history of the planet to get rejected by a girl? Do you sit in your apartment all day bitching in online chat rooms about how hard it is to get a job in "today's market" even though you haven't filled out an application in nearly two years, and the only response you get from your "internet friends" is sarcastic insouciance? Guess what? As long as you keep lying to yourself, this book won't do shit for you, either! That leaves your options as A) Go get professional help for your depression, or B) Shut the fuck up and leave the rest of the adults alone. Quit trying to drag us into your quagmire, you selfish twat.
2. BREASTFEEDING FOR DUMMIES: Yes, that's right. There are mothers in this world that need instructions for doing what every goddamn stupid-ass mammal on the planet knows how to accomplish without reading a ridiculous $20 book. Congratulations, lady. Your maternal instincts have been outclassed by a fruit bat.
3. GRIEVING FOR DUMMIES: Grief is a terrible experience, and unfortunately one nearly every person deals with at one time or another. I actually don't have a problem with the content being addressed. However, the book title is insensitive and bewildering. The varnish of crass commercialism coats the endeavor, and probably turns away people who could potentially benefit from something written within the guide.
4. NASCAR FOR DUMMIES, 2ND EDITION (!): Speaking of crass commercialism, hey! It's NASCAR! Yes, I was as shocked as you were to find out this book was more than ten pages long and not written in crayon. At least there are coupons for Pabst beer and Slim Jims in the book. I would assume.
5. HAIRCUTTING FOR DUMMIES: There is some definite comedy value lurking from the publishing of this guide. I would guess, though, that most people who hear their friend or loved one offer a free haircut while catching a glimpse of that book on a table nearby, would be moving away from that potential situation with celerity.
6. KABBALAH FOR DUMMIES: Do you wish to be just like Madonna, but are having trouble getting Alex Rodriguez to sleep with you? Perhaps you are British, and unable to make your accent sound as phony and retarded as the long-past-her-prime Material Girl's. Well, you can pretend to believe in the same bullshit faith she professes to follow! Let this book be your guide to a half-assed spiritualism denounced by an overwhelming majority of faithful Jews! Come on, if the woman who starred in Shanghai Surprise can't get you into heaven, then who the fuck can?
7. SUSHI FOR DUMMIES: In Japan, there are chefs who spend their entire lives learning how to cut fish and vegetables properly, how to cook perfect rice, and how to create tiny pieces of art with lessons from master chefs who are passing down techniques culled from multiple generations of study. In America, we don't have time for that shit. Get that bamboo mat, throw in some Uncle Ben's Wild Rice mixed with red wine vinegar (you know, because you want to put your personal spin on it), top the calamity off with canned tuna mixed with Miracle Whip, and roll that fucker up. Don't forget to hack it up good with your chef's knife you bought from the dollar store. Hey look! It's sushi!
8. BLOGGING FOR DUMMIES, 2ND EDITION: You had to know this was coming, right? To be honest, I'm only bringing up this title in hopes of getting mentioned in the third edition of the book. The idea is that if the book I'm ragging on is using this blog as an example about itself to...something about a temporal vortex...ah, shit, I'm getting a headache.