Monday, July 14, 2008

Remembrance of Crap Past

Fast food chains get into creative ruts, like any other business. Usually when it happens, they'll reverse the toppings on an existing sandwich and call it a "Deluxe", or bring out some ghastly creation from the past and try to pass it off as new. Every now and again, though, the grease barns come up with something surprisingly novel and even somewhat delicious. Which, of course, means it inevitably gets pushed aside for another uninspired and stupid concept. Here is a list of some items I had a short infatuation with before Big Burger coldly ripped it away, never to be seen again:


1. Taco Bell's "Wild Sauce": Since I'm too lazy to look it up at the moment, I think this stuff appeared about 15 years ago, and Taco Bell was seemingly trying to shake an image that their food was bland. Their gift unto the public was this remarkable tomato-based sauce, which still stands as the only legitimately spicy-hot item they have ever served. Goddamn, it was tasty. That shit-in-a-packet they serve with your "Tex-Mex Inspired Creations" today doesn't even compare. Tacos made with Wild Sauce had to be served double-wrapped, because the nuclear red goodness would eat through the first layer of paper before you could even get the tray from the counter to the lushly-appointed dining room. My friends and I would ask for cups of the stuff so we could take it home and use it as chip dip, burger topping, or as a Bloody Mary mix. I am convinced that Taco Bell had to get rid of it because it killed weaker members of society daring to survive its awesomeness.

What they replaced it with: Those weak efforts in little packets, one of which they call "Fire" sauce. I don't think Fire sauce could make a fat man's hemorrhoid flare up, much less destroy the elderly.


2. Wendy's Pitas: Ten years ago, Wendy's unveiled a warm pita sandwich with fillings such as Garden Vegetable and Chicken Caesar. For a joint known mainly for square burgers and chili made from chopped-up square burgers, they were surprisingly good. At two bucks apiece (initially), they were even a decent deal. The Garden pita was easily the best vegetarian option ever offered by a major fast-food chain, light years ahead of the goddawful veggie burgers once sold by McDonald's and Burger King.


What they replaced it with: This thing:

The Frescata, a remarkable achievement made by Wendy's in making a deli sandwich that was worse nutritionally than their hamburgers and fries.

3. Long John Silver's Wraps: After the disaster that was Mr. Norman Bigfish in 1995, sales at Long John Silvers Fried Seafood Emporiums plummeted. The restaurant's regular clientèle was dying off, thanks mostly to their advanced age and partially to their large-scale consumption of awful breaded fish, and nobody new was coming in. The solution was ingeniously simple: Wraps, made with the customer's choice of fish, shrimp, or chicken, and a choice of five different sauces. They came with lettuce and the mysterious "crunch nuggets" that were the cherry on this sundae of deep-fried decadence. The large wrap was a bargain at three bucks, because it could easily feed two people. Alas, Long John Silvers could not sustain prosperity, as their employees were apparently incapable of quickly rolling up a damn burrito. Franchise owners bitched about the extra time the wraps took to prepare, the company ditched them, and people resumed not going to Long John Silvers.


What they replaced it with: I have no idea. Who cares.



4. McDonald's Arch Deluxe: Yes, seriously. For those who don't know or remember, The Arch Deluxe was McDonald's attempt at a "grown-up" burger. The toppings included pepper bacon and a new "secret sauce" that contained whole-grain mustard. The burger was served on a split-top potato-flour sesame roll they only used for this sandwich. Most people were too busy mocking McDonald's for the effort to notice that this thing actually tasted pretty damn good. It was a gutsy move by the Golden Arches that backfired due to incompetent advertising, a high price point relative to other McDonald's offerings, and a wild overestimation of the sophistication of their average customer. Some consumer groups had an issue with the caloric content of the sandwich, but A) it pales in comparison to some of the belt-dropping numbers of sandwiches currently offered at fast-food places, and B) nobody gives a fuck about dietary advice offered by consumer groups.

What they replaced it with: All sorts of retarded shit, most of which involved adding extra meat patties to existing products, including their milkshakes. There was also the brilliant McSalad Shaker, which came to pass when (apparently) someone important at Hamburger University thought that having a salad which fits in a car's cup holder was a great fucking idea. Hey, what motorist doesn't want to drink a salad while driving? At least the McLobster Roll never escaped the Northeast.

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