Tuesday, August 12, 2008

You're On The Lifeboat With Me, Buddy


Have you ever seen something that just sticks in your mind for no real reason? Not necessarily something shocking, or grotesque...

You know what, scratch that. It was a little shocking and grotesque.

I had to hit the grocery store after work last night because I was too tied-up with extremely important events (live fantasy football draft) to bother with it over the weekend. Like most people shopping after a day at work, I just wanted to fly through my list and get the hell home as fast as possible. I was rolling my cart around (after nearly destroying the thing attempting to kick a green bean out of one of the back wheels) and concentrating on accumulating the items on my list. My head was down, because I didn't want to make eye-contact with anyone on the off-chance I actually encountered someone I would be willing to talk to.

That's when I saw it.

A man with the biggest legs I have even seen.

I don't know why he decided to wear shorts to show those things off to the world. My best guess is that there aren't pants made anywhere that he could get into. He was wearing sneakers, and then his legs just...started. I'm not sure I have the vocabulary to accurately describe this sight. There was no discernible calf muscles. It looked like someone succeeded in stuffing the bottom of a couple of barrels into athletic shoes. If it had been around noon, his feet would have been completely shaded by his lower legs.

I have no idea how this obese man was even walking. I'm sure it was painful, because both legs had significant bruising, almost like he was wearing purple and black socks
. It was weirdly fascinating to me, seeing those hairless meat sacks draped over those overburdened discount tennis shoes. I kept imagining the various things they could possibly resemble: Hot dogs with pushpins stuck into the ends. Giant pythons trying to get into soda cans. Me trying to flush one of my post-Vegas-trip dumps into an elementary-school toilet.

Honestly, it wasn't really that funny to me. It was just seeing something I never would have even imagined. The guy eventually waddled off to (hopefully) the pharmacy or (more likely) the candy aisle, and I was free of the hypnotic spell of the fat legs, once again back at the task of finishing off my shopping list.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Quagmar, your mind-shits just made my day. Keep up the good work.